Today I did something which I should have done years ago.  I joined the gym.  Yes,  you did read it right and no, I was not high when i did it :)  It has been on my to do list for quite some time now.  But you know how busy life can get with all the online farming and face booking.  Oh the busy lives we wives lead :)

First off, let me say that I've not been comfortable going to a gym.  That was one of the biggest reasons holding me back.  Everybody around me including the wise old man encouraged  me by saying " no worries"  "everybody there comes to exercise" "you wont be the odd one out"  Let me tell you mr. wise old guy I WAS the odd one out.  Where were all the fat women??  And why are only skinny people at the gym.  If they are skinny, they don't need to be working out now do they??.  Cursing the world for my weight I get on the treadmill.  I start off slowly..no problems...moving on a little faster..hey i could do it.. Decided to get more adventurous and increased the pace up a notch.  Everything was going great till i realized that my butt felt like bouncing balloons filled with water at each step.  Wish I could puncture them and donate the fat to some poor size zero model who is probably starving herself to death.   Which reminds me do, you know what I do to make myself feel better when i am feeling low. Watch you tube videos of models falling on the ramp.  Its so darn hilarious.  No? You don't think its funny??? Well, what can I say I'm a sadist :)

So, encourage me on this weight loss journey.of mine. feel free to poke some fun (of / or) my butt,  if it brightens up you day. 

Definition of Love by my soon to be 6 yr old :

Me : So, how was school?
Nick : Ok
Me : What did you guys do today? Was it library day or gym day?
Nick : Did you know R sat next to me at lunch and she played with me at recess.
Me : I thought she always does that.
Nick : Yeah....she's awesome like that.  I like her.
Me:  So, she is your best friend huh??
Nick :  Yes   ***smiling like a kid in a candy store***  She is my girl friend.
Me :  What's the different between a friend and a girl friend?
I wasn't really sure how he would answer it...I was was expecting an answer like  "well she's a girl and she is my friend..so she's my girlfriend".  But his answer just stumped me.
Nick :  A friend is someone with whom you have fun in school, you play with and share with.  A girl friend, is who you think about ALL THE TIME...like when you come home and play with legos,  during juice time and  even when you go to sleep!!!  :) :) :)
Ummm, errrrr.. and this is the same girl, who, he had a few days earlier asked her whether she would marry him, and, she stuck her tongue out at him.
Me : But you asked her whether she would marry you and she said no. Did you ask, if, she would like  you to be her boyfriend?  What if she has another boyfriend?
Nick :  ***rolling his eyes at me*** I will still love her because she is my girlfriend.

And, all I could do is, sit there feeling like a complete idiot for not understanding the true meaning of love :)  It did not matter to him whether she loved him or not.  He was just content knowing that he loved her.

I swear I've turned into Jekyll and Hyde. After my last post I felt empty..but sorta in a nice way..light and free. Fast forward to today. And bam!!! I have no clue what hit me, but I was back in my "oh so poor me" zone. I tried, trust me dear blog, I tried real hard :(

So, today as I'm talking to the wise old guy (remember him from my previous post?) he gives me a really harsh dose of reality...(yes, u were blunt and rude) At that time I might have cursed him for being my friend (i said "might have"..i don't remember :) ) but as I type this at 1 a.m. I realize that the whole "being positive" is not at all that easy. It's a conscious effort on my part on a daily basis to change myself for the better. But, I don't like change. I like my comfort zone... only that it's not so comfortable anymore. To truly find myself and be happy, I need to embrace the change. Embracing change begins with a desire. Without a desire to change, it is inevitable that change will not occur. Like a Catch 22 situation. I need to stay focused and positive to bring the changes I would like in me, but since i hate any kind of change, I am not ready to do what is needed. Confused?? Welcome to the club.

On a lighter note, I managed to yet again go and do something really stupid. I don't ever go to any parlors to get anything done to my face since I have super sensitive skin. Shaping my eyebrows falls in the "fear" category..You know thoughts like "what if I look really weird with thin eyebrows? what if the shape is not right" Its gonna take weeks for the hair to grow back and till then I walk around like a weirdo. So, I never got it done. Well sometime back in January I sent out a SOS email to all my friends. Below is a copy paste of the email...

hi girls, need help..

it's 1.25 in the night. I am not sleepy. I have an dentist's appt tomorrow and those who know me know that i am shit scared of going to dentists. So, here i am not feeling sleepy, surfing the web, checking out you tube videos when i stumbled on a video on how to shape eyebrows. Now those of you who really know me also know that I have never ever shaped my brows. So, I think "hmmm not a big deal" I have some of the tools. how difficult can it be and it's hair..it will grow right back on. So, i go to the bathroom, keep the plucker ready and pull one hair. I screamed "fucking shit" in my mind - didn't want nick to wake up. It hurt like hell. So, I think "hmmm how can i make this easier and less pain full" So, smart me took the nose hair trimmer and decided to trim. Up to a certain point everything was fine and I was happy the way my brows were getting shaped. Then I have no clue what happened and whoooop a large chunk of hair disappeared!!!! and now i look like a one eyebrow freak!!!!! Strangely i was feeling very calm..no panic.. or maybe the wine i had earlier helped. I don't know. So i think, "well it does not look sooo bad unless someone comes really really close" My next thought was hey an eyebrow or eyeliner pencil might work.. A word of advice girls.. it does not. Because after using the pencil I now look like those scary Chinese ladies who have arched pencil lined brows. So, my options are either to be a one eyebrow freak or a old oriental arched pencil lined brow freak. Do, any of you have any other suggestions?????
I'm sure all of you are laughing at my situation right now. But if you could stop laughing, get off your asses now and give me a solution I wld really appreciate it.

Sangeeta

That was the email back in January.  Well, they did grow back and I finally mastered the art of doing it really carefully but I still wont go to a parlor. Now one would have learnt their lesson and not repeat such a stupid mistake, right? Hell no, Not me :) While doing my eyebrows the other night, I accidentally shaved off my eyelashes!!! Yes, you heard it right. Words like "night" "accidentally" "shaved" and "eyelashes" should never be put together in a sentence. But it does not look that bad. At least that's what two of my friends tell me.

What?? What did u say? Why do I go and do such stupid things??? Beats me :) And well to look on the "positive side" I now have funny blog material. :)

This is my mantra for now :
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character: it becomes your destiny.
- Frank Outlaw

This post may end up being one of those posts where I ramble on aimlessly since it's 5 a.m. and have been up for the most part of the night with heartburn.

Lately, I've been dealing with some issues regarding holding on,letting go, emotional dependence, my weight and self confidence/worth. I'm sure there comes a point in everyone's life where each of us has dealt with these emotions at one level or another. I won't give you a sob story of how or why I feel like this. Instead, I'm going to tell you (or rather myself) what I'm going to do about it :)

My decisions and actions in life have always been tied to what has been expected of me by others..be it my family or friends. Not only have i been a so called target of expectations but I've had my share of expectations too from others and that's where the problem starts. A wise old guy (or maybe a hot handsome one) recently told me that expectations are the f-ups of all relationships... maybe it was worded better. I can't remember :) I did not realize how utterly negative I had become lately. It's like you hold on to a negative thought and keep analyzing and over analyzing and it keeps going round and round in your head that you end up losing perspective. I'm sure you've heard of the famous quote "If you want to be happy..just be" The problem is I don't know how.

But, I am going to start by taking baby steps :) I am going to start doing things for myself not because someone expects me to or to make someone else happy. I am going to do it to make me happy.

I'm going to let go of all the negative thoughts that pushed me into thinking "oh so poor me". And the only way that I can think of doing so is by forgiveness. Forgive and forget, remember?? It's not as easy as it sounds. But that's the only way that comes to my mind. Just forgetting won't help. Because one doesn't ever forget, right?? By forgiving, my mind and soul feels light. It's like a burden lifted off my chest. Somewhere, during the last year I had forgotten how to forgive. Wouldn't all our lives be easier if we just learnt to forgive?? :) If, I want my mind to be free of all negativity, I need to let go. To Forgive.

Wish me luck :)

And now, I'm going into "blog hibernation" and will resurface months later with yet another "mind numbing rambling post" LOL.

Why can't we just hold on to time? Why does it have to fly by so quickly. It's nearly a year I've visited my own blog. How pathetic is that? :) Things have been moving at such fast pace in my life that I am not a happy camper right now. They say that the only thing constant in life is change. But I don't like change. I don't like trying out new foods, i don't like moving... anything that involves any kind of uncertainties... don't like it at all. I know I am rigid but unfortunately that's how I am. Sorry, I cannot go into details about it but I've learnt in this past year that....

1. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has
enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 (verse from the Bible)

2. If you don't set a baseline standard for what you'll accept in life, you'll find
it's easy to slip into a quality of life that's far below than what you deserves.

3. Do not under any circumstances go to a hair parlor and give yourself an cut just
because you feel you need a change in your life.

4. It is very important to have girlfriends in your life. Sister, aunt, mother,
friend..it doesn't matter who but only a woman will understand another women.

5. And because one woman understands another.... she can be your worst enemy too.

6. I am not as mature as I think I am. I still have a long way to go. Patience is a
virtue that I really need to develop.

7. Moving on is simple - It's what you leave behind that matters.

So, moving on...

I am amazed at how much N has grown. I miss my Lil baby. There are times when i do catch glimpses of the little child in him but for the most part he is all grown up now. The other day he insisted on wearing his church tie on his tee-shirt to go out to lunch. So V tells him that everybody in the restaurant is gonna laugh because you are supposed to wear a tie with a shirt. And this little boy amazed me by saying "then maybe i should not go in there if they cant accept me for who I am" From where does he learn all this??? Not for me of course. I am the kind who tries too hard to fit in. Maybe i need to learn a thing or two from my 5 yr old.

V is doing good. As usual busy with work. I have no idea what's the definition of a workaholic in his dictionary but to me he is one and needs therapy. All I can say is "MEN"!!! They never listen to their wives. But he is taking care of his health, eating right, going to the gym (barf) I thought round WAS a shape!!!

Ummmm let's see what else is going on in my life...Oh, I'm hooked on to Farmville on FB. Every day I promise myself, "Sugarplum (that's what i sometimes call myself) today you won't go on FV.. its ok if your harvest withers" But by noon I need to go see my gift and get my extra points. It's not a great mind game or such. All we do is plow, seed and harvest. God alone knows why I am hooked.

I am a procrastinator. There I've said it. But I am going to set a very realistic goal of updating my blog once a week. Comments will probably inspire me to post more often :) If you do drop by, please feel free to write a line and say hi. It will make my day.

I watched Dostana over the weekend. I loved the movie. It had it's hilarious moments and Abhishek did a really good job. Some of his expressions were just wayyy to funny. But I dont think I wld be comfortable watching this movie with family..especially my in-laws. Priyanka has a really fab body and she looks stunning. But I must admit that I watched the movie a second time only for John Abraham. He looks just yummmm..deeelish.
I love Abhi a lot too..but tell me, can you stop drooling after you see this??




Serve him up with some whipped cream and I can have him for breakfast, lunch and dinner..mmmmm....**wait a minute, I gotta wipe the drool off my keyboard**

Ummm, what else?? Today, did nothing much since Nick was at home - no school coz of the snow. We got quite a bit today. It tapered off by afternoon and then there were high school kids knocking on the door to see if anyone needed them to shovel their driveway.

Next weekend it's Daylight savings time. While I am glad that we will have longer days, I am not looking forward to having to argue with Nick to go to bed at 7 p.m. I am sure he will give me a hard time since it won't be dark. Oh well....

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

It's wayyyyy past midnight..2 a.m. to be precise. A lot of things going through my mind right now and I just can't sleep.

It's snowing lightly right now..yayyyyyyyy. School is closed tomorrow..boooooo. Why do schools close when there is snow?? I mean we live on the east coast..it's winter, there's bound to be snow..So what every time it snows, you shut down??? Crap..

What would you do if you knew that someone you trust a lot is lying to you and you can't do anything abt it? Or that someone who is not yr friend is trying to act as if they are yr BFF?

Conversation between V and N...

N: Daddy what does occupation mean?
V: It means like having a job..like daddy has to go to office..Mrs. G is yr teacher,
Ms. E (bus driver) takes you to school.
N: Oh okay....
After some thought..
N: So, what's mama's occupation?
V: Mama's occupation is to look after you.
N: But Mama just sleeps all day!!!!!

I can't believe he said that.

Oh, btw we have a new addition in our lil house....guess guess guess ;) Should I tell you now??? Ummmm naaaaaaaaah maybe later.... ;)

I just re-read what I typed and realized it's a completely random post(probably wont make sense to you).. That's what happens when I decided to blog at 2 a.m.

Today was N's first day of pre-school. I had been dreading this day since a long time. He seemed very excited about the whole "school bus and back-pack deal", but I still had my concerns. In these 4 yrs I have not once been away from him. I'm sure you guys will relate with me that even a trip to the bathroom always has yr lil' one accompanying you with his/her car/toy. Locking the door of the bathroom doesn't help either. They will keep banging it till you open up. It doesn't matter whether you are on the queen's throne or taking a shower. All they want is that you listen to their chatter. An occasional "hmmmm" "oh really" "wow" will suffice. So anyways, although he seemed excited, I thought maybe when the time came for him to get on the bus he would realize that mom cannot get on with him and that might lead to a meltdown. So, we are waiting at the door for the bus to show up and when it does, my son, who would follow me around the house as if attached to me by some invisible thread, just ran towards it and climbed onto it. No hugs, no "i love you mama" nothing!!! And here I was rehearsing in my head how I would hug and shower him with kisses before he gets on the bus. I was the one who burst into tears after the bus left. I realized I was holding it in for long. I don't even know why I cried. I'm happy that his first day was un-eventful and he enjoyed himself. Now I am looking forward to 2 hrs of bliss everyday :) For now I dont know what I'm going to do during that time but everyone tells me I'll figure it out and have a blast.